1 night talk

I havent got my rest and I just finished up with my assignments.

Still thinking of what she say through the phone over night, I can see that she wants to carry on this relationship with me. Though we are starting all over from friend again, at least there is still hope. Just felt like my dreams was shattered into pieces.... Like I got it last week, and now it is all gone. Howeverm I just got to blame on my self, for making her feel so stress and not able to give her space.

I know it has been tough on her, and I am terribly sorry for it. I don't know how to help her, all I know is just to keep quiet now.

When she tell me she wanted her single life again, I didn't know what to do either. Perhaps she should, and leave me alone. I am thinking. But all I want her to know is that with her around, I have so much happiness, and I really hope to continue this. But love is something that requires both party. So I respect her space too.

I hope you can be with me, and continues to be.

I am Back!!

Wow! I believe this blog has been dramatically dead for the past half a year. Now time to revive it....

Hmm... Believe what you believe have been difficult for me this few days. (That is also why I am back writting on blog, when I have difficulty) Why believe what you believe have been difficult? In the past, I have been a self confident, super self motivated guy who can also really influence people around me.

But now, I realise something, that was because I can really let go. But I have not solve the problem of grasping. I am grasping on something. Something so precious. Anytime, if it was to go, I think I can take it, but now I have a problem, I want to hold on to it and not let it go. I hope this is not confusing. Grasping has made me came down to emotion again and again, like being selfish, self possessive, un caring, thinking too much, thinking too much in the negative way, temper rising, and doing stuff that are unnecessary.

Now, I have to learn not to grasp too. I always remember what my teacher say, letting go and no grasping is to be cultivated for any good relationship to exist. And his famous example, like holding a coin, with your palms facing up, you are not letting go because it is still on yout hand. However you are not grasping onto it too, it just rests on your hand. If it were to go, it will, if it were to stay, it will. I am not doing all of this during all this while, I am holding so tight, too tight, that you can't breath, and I am sorry for this too.

And now I understand why my teacher keep on warning me, Jianhong, you can let go, very good, but you must learn not to grasp, Life is beyond grasping and letting go. Now I understand why he keep on warning me. Now, I know where my true problems lie. And my vow to you is I will try my best to solve that.

Sometime, easier said than done, but I got to learn too. This is part and parcel of life, part and parcel of becoming better, improving. That is why I always say I am not good enough. Or If i am a good person, there would be no bad person. I want to continuously improve, and in my opinion, some might say good enough liao, don't need to. But if I don't, they will say why you not improving? So that is why I chose to improve.

I would like to thank you for opening up my life to another phase and continuously letting me learn how to be better. I know you feel that I am good enough for you, but sometimes, I still do some stuff to make u sad or angry. And I am terribly sorry for it, but I hope it is a thing that we continue to grow, an opportunity for us to grow, to be closer, to understand more, to understand the tough way, but sometimes life is that tough.